Black Order Insanity
by Unholy Alliance
Summary: These are the horrifying tales that caused Lavi to write the Rules. Enter if you dare. Companion piece to DGM Rulebook.
1. Noah-chan

**The Hotpocket Hunter**: Hello! This is the Hotpocket Hunter and The Accomplice's combined account. We are currently on my hand-me-down couch, surrounded by candy wrappers-

**The Accomplice:** and random leaflets of paper! Waiting for Hotpocket to make me a corn-dog so I may be rather random for a few moments. The Rulebook is my baby, but our minds have twisted its rules into everyday events of the Black Order. So we bring to you the Black Order Insanity! Our combined insanity...

**The Hotpocket Hunter: **My parents just tried and failed to explain the logic of adding a minute per corndog to the microwave. Oh well, and least me and Accomplice will be fed. We're also taking turns wrestling my male Siamese ^^' Yeah, we're messed up. Whatever. Anyway, check out our other accounts if you like anything here or even just our writing style. These are going to be combined fics. With BIZARRE Author's notes.

Enjoy, mortals!

* * *

This is the intended beginning of Black Order Insanity, written by the Hotpocket Hunter and a lot of sugar. It is an account of the cause and result of each of The Accomplice's DGM rules. We're both writing these,

* * *

1. Do not make Allen mad.

a) We need him.

b) He is the Destroyer of Time.

c) Calling him Noah-chan is likely to annoy him at best, enrage him and cause him to release the 14th at worst.

This should have been fairly obvious, but some Exorcists and Finders had apparently picked up Lavi's habit of calling Allen "His dear, sweet, Noah-chan." The only reason Lavi could get away with this was because Kanda had first dibs on ending his existence.

* * *

The cause of rule #1.

Allen let out a blood-chilling cackle as he fiddled with something on the table. Even Kanda edged away from him. The past two hours had marked the occurrence of Black Allen's longest appearance, and no one was eager to ask why the demon was out and about.

Apparently, Lenalee didn't get the message. As she walked into the cafeteria, she glanced around, brow furrowing slightly at the crowd of people watching Allen with morbid fascination. Getting her food, she set the tray down beside Kanda before going to greet Allen, not noticing all the scientists hand-signalling her to stop.

"Hi Allen!"

No response.

"Allen?" Lenalee was concerned now. "Are you alright? What are you doing?"

Another demonic laugh answered her as a dark aura surrounded the white-haired exorcist.

"Eep!" she scooted back, eyes wide.

Turning to Kanda, she asked, "Kanda, what's wrong with Allen?"

Reever sighed. "So you haven't met Black Allen before?"

"Black... Allen?"

"Tch." Kanda's emotionless face didn't match the way he gave the younger male a wide berth. "The moyashi's off his rocker. His dark side is making an appearance."

Lenalee looked very worried. "But... He's okay, right?"

Reever nodded. "In a way, yes. I'm a lot more worried about whoever brought this on. They're in for some serious trouble."

"What do you mean?" asked Lenalee.

"One of the guys mentioned d-e-b-t-s around Allen," Reever spelled out. "It was worse than a Komurin incident, because there was no one to kick him in the head."

Lenalee eyed Allen warily as she sat down to eat. "Well, it doesn't seem to be any of us, so I guess we shouldn't worry to much, right?"

Reever nodded. "As long as we stay out of his way, we'll be fine. He's a lot more focused when he rampages than Kanda."

Kanda growled, but made no comment.

Johnny came up to them, grinning. "Anyway, I can't wait to see who he's after! I want to get it on film, I'm making a horror movie for Friday nights in the lab."

Reever crossed his heart. "I can't help but feel sorry for the poor soul."

* * *

Lavi looked around, humming absently. "I wonder where everyone is..." Shrugging, he headed to the cafeteria.

He stepped inside, and froze.

Allen's head snapped up instantly, eyes lit with the fires of hell. "Hello, Lavi."

There was something incredibly creepy about the greeting, and Lavi shuddered, instincts telling him to run. Being Lavi, he ignored them. "Hello, my dear, sweet Noah-chan!"

Allen chuckled a perfect, demonic, Black-Allen-with-5-aces-up-his-sleeve laugh. "About that..." He held up a weapon.

Is that paper mache?

"I don't like that nickname!" Allen's voice rose from a whisper to a shriek, and he dove at Lavi.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Lavi screamed, running as fast as his little rabbit legs could take him. Allen followed in close pursuit, still laughing.

Kanda snorted. "Baka Usagi."

Reever looked at him. "Would you like me to ask him what he thinks about you calling him Moyashi?"

"No, thank you," answered Kanda quickly.

Johnny cheered. "We finally found something that scares Kanda! Yes! This is fantastic! Think of the blackmail!"

Kanda disappeared quickly after it became clear that Johnny was being affected in a very diabolical way by his hero's sudden defection to unholy evil. Who knew the Moyashi could inspire a cult with a mere split-personality?

* * *

Out in the hall, Lavi's screams suddenly cut off.

All the science division crossed their hearts and prayed for Lavi.


	2. Neko Tyki

**A****ccomplice: **Sadly waving goodbye to Hotpocket as she is driven away by her parents. Sigh...another happy day. But on the plus side, we have a new chapter! And I am still trying to convince my parents to buy me a katana! Not that it has anything to do with the story...

**Hotpocket Hunter: **Lord help us all if she gets her way. She's already planning world domination... I'm making cool photos for covers for our stuff. ;) I'm supposed to be paying attention in class as I write this, but I'm the only one that did my homework, so I feel totally justified. But anyway, Accomplice has been complaining, so I'm writing a lot of stuff, and... Yeah. I can't think of anything to write. Oh well.

**Accomplice: **Oh well. Thanks for trying Hotpocket! Well, as I too have either forgotten what to say, or never had anything to begin with, I think it's time to start the story!

* * *

This was the first D. Gray-Man fanfic I ever wrote. It also created the Rulebook. Bow down to rule 11! All hail Rule 11!

* * *

11. Do not tell the higher-ups about the time Tyki was partially turned into a cat.

a) They are currently pretending that they don't know about the two Noah who frequent the Order.

b) No need to inform them about the tea parties either.

This should have been obvious, but some poor fool had to search each report before sending them to the higher-ups.

* * *

Tyki grinned evilly as he drifted through the walls of the Black Order's Headquarters. His Allen was around here somewhere. And when he found him... Tyki closed his eyes, imagining the fun he would have. Big mistake.

Reever and Johnny were carefully wheeling a cart through the halls. "Exactly how does Komui think turning Allen into a kitten will help in the fight against the Millennium Earl?" Reever asked. Johnny blushed. "I think he said something about Allen's cuteness factor being too high for the Earl to resist and then..." Johnny made a slashing motion with his hand, accidentally hitting Reever on the shoulder, causing him to lose control of the cart for a moment. Exactly the same moment that Tyki chose to step out of the wall in front of them with his eyes closed. Grinning evilly. In that moment, Johnny gave an undignified squeak, Reever yelped, and Tyki opened his eyes in time to witness a cart hit him. He probably would have felt it too, but the force of the cart flung him into the wall behind, knocking him out. And then the contents of the cart exploded all over poor Tyki. Poor, luckily by now, unconscious Tyki. Reever and Johnny could only stare. Thank God for Komui's Innocence infused carts. Too bad about the experiment. They watched as the Noah's gray skin lightened and the seven crosses in his forehead melted away. In a few seconds, the Noah had become a completely different person. And he wasn't done yet. His hair shifted and two sections joined to form a pair of cat ears. And then, snaking out the back of his fancy dress pants, lay a dark brown cat's tail.

Finally Johnny couldn't help it. "He's fluffy!" he screamed before he doubled over with laughter. Reever just started blinking, really fast. He only stopped when Johnny collapsed to his knees and then keeled over on his side, still laughing. Johnny was right. This Noah, Tyki Mikk, if he remembered correctly, was indeed quite fluffy. He felt his eyes roll up in his head and gladly let darkness take him from this insanity.

Allen heard a series of strange noises coming from the corridor near his room. Yawning, he stretched his arms above his head and then opened his door. Now that he was outside his room, he could identify the noises as breathless laughter and choking. Allen hurried towards the source of the sound and rounded the corner.

His brain couldn't process the sight his eyes were relaying. For a moment he considered standing on his head; maybe a change of perspective would prove this all to be an illusion. Johnny was rolling around on the floor wheezing and laughing, clutching his sides. Reever was slumping against the wall, and Tyki was lying unconscious with cat ears and a fluffy tail. At that moment, Allen felt like joining Reever in the land of oblivion. It seemed a much saner place than this chaos realm. But he couldn't, because before him lay a Noah. His personal stalker Noah who had apparently followed him home. All Allen needed now was for Lavi or Kanda to show up and-

"What the hell, moyashi?" a cold voice queried from the end of the hall.

Allen gritted his teeth and turned around slowly. _Great, Kanda's here._

"Allen! I didn't know your boyfriend was coming to visit! It's not nice to bring him all this way and- holy fuck! Is that a Noah?!"

Allen closed his eyes. Lavi was here too. This couldn't get any worse. He heard a groan from beside him and turned his head. Reever was regaining consciousness. "Allen," he whispered, "please tell me we did not just turn a Noah into a cat."

Allen gave him a sympathetic look. "Well, not completely."

Reever didn't look any better.

"Allen! Alllleeennnnnnnnn!" Lavi was poking the unconscious Tyki with his hammer. "Allen, why is a Noah here? Why does he have cat ears? Why does he have a tail? Is he your boyfriend? Are you two having a secret love affair? Do you have a secret love-child? Is Road your secret love-child? That would explain some-gah!"

Kanda pushed Lavi into the wall with the tip of Mugen's blade, effectively shutting the red-head up. For the moment.

"Hey, hey Yuu! I'm just asking what everyone else has to be thinking, no need to be like that!"

Kanda poked Mugen's tip into Lavi's neck, drawing blood. "Shut up, you stupid rabbit! And don't call me Yuu! If you make one more sound, I will cut your intestines out and braid them in your hair, got it?"

Lavi opened his mouth, thought for a moment, and just nodded. Kanda waited a moment, then withdrew Mugen and sheathed it. Then he turned to Allen. "So, moyashi, is this your boyfriend?" Lavi smirked, pleased he had been right about the questions wanting answers.

Allen whipped around to face him. "IT"S ALLEN, you stupid closet-fangirl! He's not my boyfriend, he's my stalker!"

In retrospect, that may not have been the smartest thing to say. Kanda's mouth twitched and Lavi was full out laughing. Reever was chuckling weakly and Johnny was just staring at him with glazed eyes, gasping for air. Allen then proceeded to slam his head against the wall, repeatedly.

"Reever, Johnny, I know you're around here somewhere! I need my potion back! It is my duty to turn Allen into an Innocence wielding kitten in order to defeat the Millennium Earl!"

Only one man in Heaven, Hell, and Earth could say that in such a voice. Allen was doomed. He was surrounded by giggling idiots, Kanda was smiling, and his personal stalker had developed cat traits. And now Komui was coming his way. Everything had just gotten worse.

Komui was insane. This was the general consensus among the order members. Everyone and their mother remembered the Komurin robots, octopus gun, end bomb, and giant worms. And now he had developed a potion to turn Allen into a kitten. A potion that had been stolen by Reever and Johnny to keep Komui from doing just that. A potion that had been liberally applied to Tyki Mikk, the Noah of Pleasure. So it came as no surprise that when Komui rounded the corner, all those able to attempted to orchestrate his death with a collective attack. Sidestepping Kanda and Lavi, he fended off Allen's left arm with his clipboard and stabbed Reever in the neck with a needle. Tyki was unconscious and Johnny was still gasping on the floor. Komui stepped forward, shoved Allen to the side, ducked under Kanda's swing, and stopped next to Tyki's head. He gazed down at the Noah and sighed sadly. "What a waste of a perfectly good opportunity."

"Opportunity?!" Allen screamed, picking himself up off the floor. "You were going to turn me into a kitten!"

"Oh fu, get over it." Komui continued over Allen's spluttering, "I mean, we did accomplish something in the end, didn't we? So, good job us!"

Everyone looked at him with looks of incredulity. Komui grinned widely.

Finally, Allen spoke. "What, exactly, did we do?"

"Why, captured a Noah, of course!" came the happy reply.

Lavi extended his hammer and hit Komui in the head. Komui sank to his knees, holding his swelling head. "Lavi, that wasn't very nice."

"Can it, sister-complex." Kanda snarled.

Tyki chose this moment to wake up. Hissing, he shot to his feet, tail lashing, and ran at the wall. "Careful!" Lavi screamed, "He'll get away!"

Komui just giggled. Confused, Allen watched as Tyki ran headfirst into the wall and bounced off, collapsing to the ground, unconscious once more. Lavi stumbled over the Noah and face-planted. Kanda che'd and Allen shook his head. Turning to face Komui, he asked, "So, what do we do with him now?"

Komui gave him a big smile. "I thought that was obvious, Allen! He's yours!"

Allen resisted the little voice that demanded he punch Komui in his stupid face. "Mine? How the hell does that figure?!"

Komui gave him a confused stare. "Well, he needs someone to stay with until the effects wear off."

"Oh, and I was the obvious choice?!"

Komui snickered. "He is your boyfriend, isn't he?"

The little voice won. Cradling his clenched fist, Allen glared at Komui. "He's not my boyfriend, hes my STALKER!"

Poor Johnny had almost recovered from his previous laugh attacks, but at this announcement lost himself to the laughter once more.

Komui clutched his nose, attempting to stem the flow of blood. "Well, I can't think of anyone else. We -he gestured at Reever, Johnny, and himself- are too busy, Kanda would certainly kill him, Lavi, well, we don't even want to think about what Lavi would do to him-"

"Hey!" came the indignant response.

"-and he isn't going to go anywhere near my precious Lenalee, so you're the only option left." Komui paused, giving Allen a moment to collect his thoughts, mind racing for a way out of this ridiculous situation. Before Allen could voice any of his opinions, no doubt something along the lines of Komuiyoumustbesomesortofperv ertedbastardtowantmetobabysi taNoahespeciallythisNoah, the insane scientist continued. "Do this for me, just until it wears off, and I promise I will never try to turn you into a kitten again."

Allen shook his head in defeat.

He really hoped Tyki was already housebroken.

* * *

**Accomplice:** Heheh. There is nothing I love more than messing with my boys. Even though they aren't mine. But someday! And the Katana!


	3. End of All Hope

**Hotpocket hunter:** haha, despite my slacking ways I thought I should get in my author's notes ahead of time so Accomplice doesn't have to worry. I love chocolate frosting, one of the best fanfictions I have ever read is called Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, cats like boxes, and I have to wonder if anyone but Accomplice will ever read this auhor's note. On a brighter note, Accomplice has caused me to begin to write 26 a-z prompted short stories.

**Accomplice: **Hehe! So glad I have someone to corrupt. And, me, worry?

**Kitsune: **Yes you. I know you. You worry.

**Accomplice: ***groans* What have I ever done to deserve this? I think I should end my note now, so that Kitsune doesn't steal it again. Thanks Hotpocket!

We'd all like to thank Fountainofroses and CrazyAnimeOtaku198 for the reviews! Accomplice says that she plans to update the Rulebook soon, but she first has to survive a school ski trip.

* * *

24. "End of All Hope" is not our theme song

a) Do not sing it while at headquarters

b) Or on missions

c) The higherups fear us enough as it is

d) The whole "end all the innocence" part of it all hits a bit too close to home, especially when sung by Tyki

Reever was making a list of banned songs. It was currently 2 pages long and posted in the Labs. Allen's only comment was "It's opera... ... ..."

* * *

Allen raced into the Mess Hall, pink earmuffs covering his ears. Finders and exorcists stopped eating and stared as the white-haired teen threw himself into Lavi's arms.

"LAVI! YOU-" He stopped shouting as Lavi removed the earmuffs and then continued at a normal volume. " Have to help me! They won't shut up!"

Lavi and Lenalee exchanged confused glances, then Lavi looked back at Allen. "Who is it? What are they doing?" He could feel Allen's body shaking in his arms. "Tyki and Road." Allen whispered at last. Lenalee looked at him, concerned. "Allen, what did they do to you?" Allen just shook his head, muttering under his breath. Finally, "They won't stop. The singing. They said... they said they found a theme song. No more, please, no more!" he moaned. Invisible Kanda put down his chopsticks. "Singing?" Allen just nodded, still shaking. Then, from outside the hall, two deceivingly lovely voices could be heard. Everyone who had resumed eating immediately froze again, and Allen's shaking intensified. "They're coming." he whispered.

The first to go were the group of finders nearest the entrance. They ran out of the hall as the singing became more audible. Pretty soon, the whole hall was vacant, except for Allen, who was still shaking in Lavi's arms, Lavi, who was holding Allen, Lenalee, who would never abandon her comrades, and Kanda, who would never run from the Noah, as he had his image to maintain. Also, No one could see him as he was still invisible. And so they alone beheld the sight of Tyki walking down the hall with Road skipping alone beside him, the both of them singing "End of All Hope" as if their lives depended on it.

Lavi ran in fear, carrying Allen with him to safety, Lenalee tagging along to make sure they would be okay, leaving Kanda to deal with the Noah. Kanda waited until the sounds of his comrades fleeing had faded, before turning to Tyki and Road, both of whom were unwittingly approaching him. He silently drew Mugen and smirked. Stupid Noah.

Tyki and Road stopped singing and stood in the middle of the now empty mess hall. A fork skittered across the floor towards them. They looked around, but it seemed no one was there.

Road pouted. "Tyki, I'm bored! You said we'd chase Allen, but he's gone!"

Kanda crept closer to the two Noah, Mugen hidden behind his back. He probably needn't have bothered, but he didn't want to take the risk that Tyki or Road would notice and run away. Kanda would have chased them, of course, but if his prey was already before him, why not take them out?

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Tyki breathed deeply. "Road, it was your idea to chase Allen. I just suggested some music, and then you made us sing. And now my head hurts."

Road smiled up at him, innocent eyes alight with a malice only the trained and very unlucky could see. She was about to say more when a flash of silver caught her eye and she ducked, just in time to avoid the blade aimed at her neck. Tyki's eyes widened in shock and the sword phased through him. "Kanda?" he asked.

Kanda snarled. If only the stupid girl hadn't seen her death coming- oh, who was he kidding, if only he had relied on more than just luck this would all be over. He would have killed two Noah, the Order's biggest threats beside the Earl himself. But instead he was swinging his sword around like a rookie bullfighter. Stupid, stupid! He was better than this!

While Kanda continued to berate himself, Road and Tyki took the chance to escape. Tyki dropped through the floor and continued until he reached the labs. They were fortified against all kinds of attacks, surely he'd be safe from Kanda in there. Road opened one of her doorways and disappeared inside, determined to track down her little Allen-kun at another, safer time.

Kanda glared at the empty room._ One day,_ he vowed, _one day I will kill you. All of you. _At that moment, Kanda wasn't sure that he just meant the Noah.


	4. The Plan Goes Awry

**Accomplice: **For anyone out there who reads this chapter and goes, 'Hey! This is from chapters 4-5 of the Rulebook!', good for you! I'm going to take my stories from there and fix them up in here. Seeing as they are the stories, reports, and accounts of the events that caused or were caused by the rule, I deem them ok! Because I am the Great and Powerful Accomplice!

**Kitsune: **I think you mean egotistical insomniac.

**Accomplice: **Shut up, Kitsune! You're one of my voices! You do not belong in this realm!

**Hotpocket hunter:** And on that happy note, I have too much free time on my hands, let's start the story! Oh, and flames will result in Accomplice sending hate mail. Sorry, she has issues. Any ideas for good names for a sweet, quiet extra voice in someone's head? She's unnamed, and I just can't let such neglect continue.

* * *

48. Commence Plan Catch Kitchen Alpha Noose Dark Alpha

a) Yes, it is what you think it is

b) We really hope it works

The Invisible Samurai had become too dangerous. What with Yullen, Yuu-chan, and Lavi in general, the Black Order was taking too many loses. Thus began the Catch KANDA Plan. And as usual, it was Lavi's idea.

* * *

"Sh!"

"I'm being quieter than you, stupid rabbit."

"Sh!"

"Shut up, Tyki!"

Road giggled, causing everyone to glare at her. "Sorry. It's just...funny." Allen rolled his eyes and continued creeping forwards, Lavi right behind him, with Road and Tyki bringing up the rear. Each was armed with a length of rope , six tranquilizers, four padlocks, and a bowl of Soba. Road had a video-camera. Their plan was simple.

Step one: Find Kanda

Step two: Antagonize him into chasing them

Step three: Lead him to the labs, where Komui and the rest of the science department were waiting with a visibility potion. Komui had yet to give it an "awesome" name so it was just the visibility potion.

Step four: Don't die

Allen had his doubts about the possible success of this plan, but couldn't come up with a better one. Which was why the four of them were sneaking around the 4th floor, home of the dreaded samurai exorcist. Allen stopped suddenly, causing Lavi to run into him, and Tyki to run into Lavi. Road gracefully swooped around the pile-up to stand beside Allen.

"What was that for? Why did you stop? And you, get off of me!" Lavi whispered angrily, first to Allen, then to Tyki.

Allen held a finger to his lips. "I thought I heard something. Nearby." he breathed. A dark chuckle from their left made Lavi gasp and Allen turn even whiter. Tyki prepared to phase through the nearby wall, and Road readied her camera.

"What might you four be doing down here? Looking for someone?" a darkly amused voice spoke from somewhere in front of the group.

Lavi gulped and then pushed Allen out ahead of him. "Go get 'em, Tiger!"

Allen looked at him, shocked. "I thought we were gonna stick together, you know, back each other up! You can't just leave me to take care of him by myself!"

Lavi grinned at him. "Don't worry, I'll back you up. Just, you know, from a little farther back. If he gets past you, I'll-"

Tyki cut him off. "You'll what? Run and scream like a little girl?"

Lavi glared at him. "You're one to talk. You're halfway into the wall already!" It was true. Tyki had phased halfway into the wall, for safety's sake.

Kanda chuckled again. "I'm growing tired of this. What are you gonna do, moyashi? How are you planning to take care of me?" he paused and then continued, "You know, I rather like being invisible. It allows me to do things like... this."

Lavi suddenly found himself held up against a wall, legs no longer touching the ground. "Uh, Allen, little help!" he shouted, knowing that struggling was useless but doing it anyway.

Allen smirked at him. "Don't worry, Lavi! I've got his back! I'd have yours, but it's up against the wall right now."

Lavi glared at him. "You, my good chap, are a bastard."

Allen rolled his eyes at Lavi's pathetic attempt at a British accent.

Tyki sighed. "Guess I'll have to get involved."

* * *

~I'm an adorable line break, look at me!~

* * *

_Tyki sighed. "Guess I'll have to get involved."_

Road giggled maniacally. Secretly, she wished that Kanda could stay invisible. He was a useful distraction for some of her more...questionable actions. And he made life a lot more interesting. She would look back on their relationship as hunter and prey with fondness for many years to come. Especially the part where _both_ were sure_ they_ were the hunter and the other their prey. However, both Allen and Tyki were going into a potential dangerous situation, so she had decided to tag along to make sure nothing went too wrong. Happily, it seemed that her services wouldn't be required. Tyki was going for it.

Lavi squirmed against the wall, grateful Kanda wasn't holding him by the neck. Then he would most certainly be dead before the stupid white-haired boy got involved. _You know, maybe if you hadn't been so willing to sacrifice him to Kanda he'd be more inclined to help you. _Lavi sighed. _Shut up voice! I don't need your input. Great, I'm talking to myself again._

"Oy! Stupid rabbit, don't breath in my face! Your breath is awful." Kanda squashed him harder against the wall.

Lavi closed his eye. He hoped Tyki would hurry up with his involvement. At that moment, the wall against his back ceased to be solid and Lavi fell through it. His eye shot open. Not that it made much of a difference. Everything was dark. So Lavi did as sane person would. He opened his mouth and began to yell, thrashing his body about in hopes of finding something solid.

"Hey! Stop moving!"

Lavi felt the breath on his ear. "Tyki?"

A sigh, and then, "Yes. I've got you. Relax. We wouldn't want to leave half of you in the wall, now would we?"

Lavi gulped. "No, we wouldn't." he whispered.

Allen stared at the wall. Lavi had been there not a moment ago. So where- "Ah. Tyki." he whispered. Road nodded at him. "Yup! Tyki's got the rabbit. So, no worries."

Allen didn't want to correct her, but no one else was around to. "Road, we are where no one can help us, at the potential mercy of an invisible Kanda. No worries just doesn't work in this situation."

"Potential mercy, eh?"

Allen wanted to smack his head against the wall, but felt staying conscious would greatly increase his chances of survival.

Suddenly, the floor next to Allen wavered slightly. Tyki and Lavi rose from the floor, Tyki seeming calm as usual, Lavi hyperventilating in his arms.

"Rabbit! You and the Noah look good together."

"Shut up Yuu-chan! I think you and the moyashi would make a cuter pair!"

Awkward silence. And then,

"Lavi, I think you made him angry." Allen was torn. On one hand, he really wanted to kill Lavi. Kanda and him? As a couple? Well- _Shut up, brain, shut up! _Allen didn't like the direction his thoughts were going. To continue, on the other hand, Kanda would probably get to Lavi first. And then take care of whoever else was nearby. So that left only one intelligent choice. "RUN!" Allen screamed.

Road ran ahead, laughing, while Tyki fell in-step beside Allen, still carrying Lavi.

"What the HELL, Lavi?!" Allen shouted at him.

"Hey, the whole plan relied on Kanda blindly chasing us! And I'm pretty sure it worked. I'll give you a kiss later if your feelings are still hurt."

"What make you think I want-"

"Allen, stop antagonizing Lavi, it's hard to carry him while he's moving. Lavi, stop baiting Allen."

Allen glared at him from the corner of his eye. "You could probably put him down now, you know."

Tyki smiled at him. "I know. I just like carrying the rabbit."

"You perv!" Lavi shrieked. "Put me down! Put me down right now!"

Tyki just tightened his grip.

_Oh yeah, this is going great. _Allen thought to himself.

Komui watched the little figures run by the golem. _Well, I think you've antagonized Kanda. I just hope you get him here before he kills you. _Out loud, "Ok, they're on their way. Everything ready?"

Reever gave their surroundings a cursory glance. "Yup, I think that's everything."

They were holed up in the mess hall, finders armed with barrier devices spread around the room, the potion in its case, ready to go. This would work. This had to work, because otherwise they were all going to die. Happy thoughts, everyone!

It would have worked, had the front doors not slammed open, startling everyone, including Komui, who had been removing the visibility potion from its case. The bottle slipped through his fingers and fell on the floor with a crash. Komui stared at the pile of glass for a moment. "Ah! So there's where the test rat went!" Said now visible rat went scurrying away into the shadows of the hall. Then Komui glanced at the doors. "Bookman! You're back early. Did something happen?"

Bookman ignored him, focusing on the projection behind Komui. Said projection was showing Allen, Road, and Tyki running from something, while Lavi was held in Tyki's arms. "Why is the Noah carrying my apprentice?" Bookman asked of Komui.

Komui coughed. "Well, uh, you see-"

"Kanda's invisible. They were sent to lead him here, so we could make him visible. But you startled my idiot brother and now the visibility potion is broken. We found the rat though." Lenalee quickly brought Bookman up-to-date.

"Rat?"

"Don't ask"

Bookman only quirked his eyebrow a little higher. "So, they are supposed to lead Kanda here?"

Lenalee nodded.

"But why is Lavi being carried by a Noah?"

"He, well, uh-" Komui attempted to explain again, but was interrupted by Lenalee.

"Tyki's a pervert. Lavi's words. He doesn't want to put Lavi down."

What was sure to be an even more interesting conversation was interrupted by a panicked shout from Johnny.

"They're here!"

And indeed, Allen, Road, and Tyki came bursting into the mess hall, panting hard. Or in Road's case, giggling and clutching a still-recording video camera. Tyki finally released Lavi, who backed away from the Noah. Catching sight of Bookman, Lavi raced over to the old man.

"Panda! You're back! Save me from the pervy Noah!"

The 'Panda' slapped him upside the head, sending Lavi to his knees.

"Yep, seems like you missed me." Lavi quipped from the floor.

"Oh no!" Allen shouted. "Komui, you didn't!"

Komui had the decency to look slightly guilty. "Oops!"

"What?" Lavi asked glancing at the panicked silverette.

"He spilled the potion." Allen said dully, resigning himself to a death at the hands of a pissed off Kanda.

"Oh." There wasn't much to say. They were done for, it was over. They were all going to die, and nothing could change that.

Komui took this as a challenge. He procured another bottle from his pocket. "It's going to be fine." he said soothingly, "I have a backup!"

Reever eyed the bottle in his supervisor's hand warily. "Komui, what, exactly, does that one do?"

Komui smiled broadly. "I have absolutely no idea! But anything is better than being killed by Kanda, don't you agree?"

"No, not really." Tyki said, adopting a look similar to Reever's.

Komui shrugged, as if saying, "I don't care." which was exactly what he was thinking. Reever, Johnny, Rob, Allen, Lavi, Tyki, and Lenalee all exchanged a look. It was clear what they would have to do. As one, they launched themselves at Komui.

The mess hall doors were wrenched open, revealing an empty hallway. Mugen hovered, invisible wielder pausing to determine where his targets were, then shot forward. The group pounced on Komui, who, noticing the approaching sword, threw the bottle containing the mystery potion towards it. Hands reached to grab it, missing by inches. Eyes followed the arc of the bottle, watching as it shattered against the stone floor. It had missed.

And then, the space behind the spilled potion distorted and split. A human form began to take shape, wavering slightly. And then it collapsed. Absolute silence fell over the hall. And then,

"Oh my god! You killed Kanda!"

The dog-pile shifted, revealing an excited Komui. He slithered the rest of the way out from under the crush of bodies and stood up, dusting himself off. "No, he's not dead. And I think I figured out what that experiment was! He's not going to be too happy when he wakes up, but he's less of a threat this way."

Allen separated himself from the pile on the floor. Fixing Komui with a glare, he spoke, very slowly. "What, pray tell, did you do?"

Komui snickered. "Reever, remember that experiment we did back in January?"

Reever's face went white. "Oh, please tell me you didn't. Please, please be kidding."

Komui just nodded. "Yup! We turned Kanda into an eight year old!"

Silence.

"WE?!"

* * *

49. Attempting to cancel out the effects of the invisibility potion with a de-aging potion is prohibited

a) Even if it's on accident

b) Please search Komui's lab and quarters for any other potions and deliver them to Reever.

c) And for the love of all things holy, keep the chief from getting bored!

Kanda was no longer invisible. But now he was an eight year old. A very irritated eight year old with a very sharp sword. Who had really enjoyed being invisible.

* * *

Soooo, did ya like it? Did-ya did-ya did-ya?


	5. Pajama Day

**Accomplice: **Quick question, why is it so much fun to scare Freshmen? Oh! And I wanna thank Hotpocket for giving me the idea for the ending of this story and not letting me just quit due to laziness.

**Hotpocket Hunter: **Huh. it's not often people thank you for inspiring a work of evil, but, hey, who am I to judge? I'm paranoid to the point of once thinking a piano was watching me, have a mild phobia of mirrors, and am completely unperturbed by Ms. Kitsune.

* * *

38. New dress-code initiated by Central

a) Stop sending photos of Pajama Day to the Vatican

b) They don't find it nearly as amusing as we do

c) Lenalee, stop wearing your swim suit at HQ, it freaks Komui out

Central decided to skip its monthly inspection and instead sent a letter informing all personnel of the initiation of a new dress-code. 'Wear regular uniforms in public, or outfits approved by Komui and Central.' In protest of this rule, Lenalee and Road wandered around in their swimsuits for a day. Komui found out and nearly wiped out HQ trying to protect his darling little sister from 'the gazes of all those dirty men'. Tyki declared that he washed daily.

Reever stared at Johnny in exasperation. Their conversation had been going in circles for the last five minutes. "Again, why are you wearing your pajamas?"

Johnny gave a sad sigh. "Because I didn't want to get dressed."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"I didn't want to."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

Finally, Tapp slammed a hand down on the table, startling the two of them from their pointless interrogation. "Enough, both of you!"

Reever turned to yell at him, but stopped with his mouth open, staring in shock. "Tapp, why are you in your pajamas?"

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Allen was closing the door to his room when he was tackled from behind, sending both him and his assailant flying through the doorway. Allen landed on his back with the mysterious person lying practically on top of him.

"Allen!"

"L-Lavi?" Allen wheezed. "What the-" Lavi's hand covered his mouth. On impulse, Allen licked it.

"Eww! Hey man, I'm trying to help you!" Lavi shrieked, wiping his hand on his pants.

"Help me? By what, attacking me in the hallway and straddling me?!" Allen yelled at him.

Lavi grinned down at the younger boy. "Come on, Allen, I thought you liked me!"

Allen curled his lip, then shoved Lavi off of him. He pushed up off the floor and into a sitting position, facing Lavi. "Again, helping how?"

Lavi's grin widened. "Pajamas."

Allen looked at him, thoroughly confused. "I still don't understand."

"Get your pajamas."

"Why?"

Lavi cocked an eyebrow. "It's Pajama Day."

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Road peered around a corner. So, it seemed many people were invested in this event. Lenalee was participating too. "Lenalee!" Road called to the other girl.

"Road? What are you doing here?"

Road looked innocently at her. Lenalee instantly grew suspicious. "I was looking for Allen. But Lavi attacked him."

Lenalee looked confused for a moment, then her expression cleared. "Ah. I sent Lavi to put Allen in pajamas."

It was Road's turn to look confused. "Why pajamas?"

Lenalee grinned a grin worthy of Black Allen. "For Pajama Day, of course."

Road beamed back. "I'll get Tyki."

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Komui nodded his head at the traumatized Reever. "Yes, yes, I've received many reports concerning these events."

Reever looked at him, exasperated. "You don't understand, Chief. Everyone is doing it! I stopped by the dining hall on my way here, even Jerry was wearing-"

"His pajamas." Komui interrupted. "You've mentioned this already. And frankly, I don't have a problem with it. It's not as though it's interrupting anyth-" Komui halted mid-word, jaw dropping open in shock.

Reever twisted around to see what had so surprised his superior (pain in the ass). "Lenalee?" Reever said, also in shock. The girl in question was standing in the doorway, carrying a tray of coffee, smiling sweetly. And wearing pajamas.

"My Lenalee!"

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Allen stared in disbelief at the reflection in the mirror. Or rather, at the reflection of the red-haired boy standing behind him. "You want _me _to wear _this_?" Lavi's reflection nodded, face breaking into a wide grin. Allen looked down at his clothes. Loose pants, gray in color, and a tight blue shirt that showed off his flat stomach. He looked back up at Lavi's reflection. "Are these Lenalee's clothes?"

Lavi adopted an indignant expression. "Allen, I'd never steal from Lenalee! And do you really think that Komui would have let her wear these?" Allen frowned, seeing the logic in in his argument, but not wanting to boost Lavi's already inflated ego. In the mirror, Lavi's grin faded into a smirk. "I found them in the miscellaneous laundry."

Allen's eyelid twitched.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Tyki tried to run again, forced to stop by the hand that threatened to yank his hair out of his scalp. "Road, get off! I don't want to do this."

He couldn't see the blue-haired demon, but he knew she was smirking. "Not even if it means you'll get to see Allen?"

Tyki groaned. He was never getting drunk around Road again. "Fine. Will you let go of my hair, please?"

She pretended to think for a moment. "Nope! Not until you change."

Tyki rolled his eyes. "Road, I'm not going to change in front of you. And besides, this is one of your rooms. As you yourself have pointed out, I can't leave unless you let me."

Road looked at him seriously. "And yet, you keep trying,"

Tyki shrugged, feeling the weight of the small girl clinging to his back. "Determination. I can't help myself."

Road pondered this a moment, then slid down his back. "Okay. As soon as you're done getting dressed, we're going."

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Reever glanced around the dining hall. Almost everyone was wearing their pajamas. He wouldn't fall to the insanity. _But I might fall into it,_ he decided, witnessing one of Road's doors open and the Black Order's resident Noah step out in all their sleepwear glory.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Allen had no idea how he had gotten dragged into this. Somehow, Johnny and Tapp had constructed an elaborate runway down the middle of the mess hall. And then Road had instructed everyone to gather round while Tyki walked through the crowd, picking individuals seemingly at random. All the people chosen were wearing tight and/or revealing pajamas, and Allen was sure Tyki had really been looking for him. When he had spotted Allen, Tyki had grabbed his arm and tugged Allen through a wall to join the other kidnappees. Which was how Allen had gotten here, literally dragged. He mentally congratulated himself on finally working it all out. Sarcastically, of course. He had been spending too much time around Fou.

From farther down the hall, Road waved at him. Allen scowled back and she pouted. He felt a twinge of guilt and immediately squashed it. This was probably all her idea, anyway. The line of people between him and the door moved forward until he could see into the dining hall. Or what used to be the dining hall. Now it was a dark and crowded room, shaking with loud music, and lit by multicolored lights that spun across the room at a dizzying pace. Allen gulped. He did not want to go out there.

Beside him, Road grinned evilly. "Your turn."

Allen turned to her. "Please Road." He really didn't want to resort to begging, but there was no other way. "Don't make me do this. I'll...stay with you for three days, no, a week! Just don't send me out there."

Road just laughed and shoved him out the doorway. Allen stumbled forward, stopping when Road called out to him. He turned, hoping that maybe she'd had a change of heart.

There was a flash of light and a whir, then Road took the developing photograph and looked at it. "Yup!" she exclaimed happily. "This one's a keeper!"

Allen groaned. _She doesn't have a heart, you fool _he mentally berated himself. Then he turned to face the set of stairs leading up to his fate. A hand grasped his and molded their fingers between his own. Allen's sideways glance revealed a leering Tyki.

"Come on boy, it'll be fun."

Tyki pulled Allen up the stairs and onto the runway, where he dropped Allen's hand and faced the crowd. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Allen Walker!"

The audience clapped and cheered. Squinting his eyes against the glaring lights, Allen could make out the shape of Lavi waving at him. "Get going, boy." Tyki jerked his head down the runway, leaving no doubt as to what Allen was expected to do. "And give them a show they'll never forget."

As Allen gritted his teeth and began to stride down the long runway, Tyki talked to the crowd. "Allen Walker, a top exorcist for the Black Order, and quite the formidable opponent. Very handsome too. I know quite a few people who'd like to get their hands on him."

The crowd laughed. Allen's blood began to boil. They were supposed to be his friends. But they were letting the Noah do this to him. Allen felt humiliated. Worse than that, he felt angry. And the more Tyki talked, the angrier Allen got until finally he couldn't take it anymore. He turned sharply and glared at the Noah of Pleasure. "Tyki," he growled audibly, "I'm going to KILL YOU!" His voice had risen to a shout by the end of the sentence, and then he was off, running hell-bent for Noah. He caught Tyki's smile as he neared him, and couldn't understand what the idiot found funny about this. And then Allen raced straight through the Noah, off the stage, and into the wall, where he knocked himself unconscious.

Road cackled before snapping another picture. The crowd was clapping and cheering and Tyki was smiling down at the unconscious exorcist. Road admired her handiwork. She had collected some wonderful blackmail material, and Lenalee was planning to send a letter to the Vatican. The plan was a success. Her work here was done.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The envelope lay on his desk, top ripped open, contents spilling out onto the polished surface.

A voice from the door asked "Sir, what are your orders?"

The man at the desk remained still, barely even breathing.

"Sir?" The voice asked again.

The man shook his head, and spoke, voice shaky. "I think we need to send a letter. Give the correspondence to Link. he knows what to do."

"Right away, Sir." Footsteps faded down the hall.

Rouvellier returned his attention to the envelope, and shuddered at the pictures inside it. He opened the letter again and read it.

_Dear Reary-Dear,_

_Please accept these as a sign of our undying respect and love for your contribution to our cause. You don't really need to understand this, because at least we know the real meaning. Three things to bare in mind as you continue your journey, alive._

_1) Do not harm Allen Walker. He is quite special to us, and we would be extremely put out should anything bad happen to our darling Exorcist._

_2) The clothes do not make the man. If you need proof of that, look in the mirror. Snake-face._

_3) Cats like horses, but dolphins are the immortal enmity of porcupines. Following this, the daisy belongs with the iris, but the dog needs to lie down._

_We hope this letter finds you in the throws of a terrible sickness, but should it not, please jump off a cliff. Sincerely,_

_Lenalee and Road Camelot_

_P.S: Tyki says hi._

Rouvellier set the letter down. This called for serious measures to be taken.

Outside the office, Link snickered at the copy of the letter Sleck had passed him. He was beginning to become quite fond of the blue-haired Noah. He opened the envelope he held in his other hand. _Lenalee looks pretty good in a swimsuit. I can't wait to see Rouvelier's expression when he sees these._


End file.
